Four Years

Four years.

Four years ago today started out like any other day.

But then four years ago today my world was completely shattered and darkness entered my world.

Four years ago today was when my sweet precious Ilona died.
Those words are still hard to write.
Those words are still unimaginable.
It is unimaginable.

I has been four years since
I have seen her
Touched her
Heard her
Smelled her
Watched her
Heard her laugh
Heard the sound of her voice
Looked into her beautiful green eyes
Stroked her beautiful long blonde hair
Saw her smile
Heard her sing
Laughed with her
Laughed at her
Prayed for her
Prayed with her
Read scripture together
Texted her
Cried with her
Shopped with her
Ate with her
Prayed her through her nursing shift
Heard her say “your mom”
Walked with her
Drove with her
Listened to her stories
Listened to her play her ukelele
Dreamed with her
Snuggled with her
Watched a movie with her
Worshiped with her
Served with her
Told her “I love you”
Heard her say “I love you”

I could go on and on and on…

Four years of grieving my baby.
Four years of missing her.
Four years of missing out on life with her.
Four years of wondering what could have been.
Four years of grieving what will never be.

Grief doesn’t really get easier.
It gets different.
It gets more unpredictable.

But today is a day for me to grieve.
To miss.
To remember.
To love.
To wish.
To question.
To be angry.
To be sad.

And to long for heaven.